oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
