why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
