I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I need moral support for this bender
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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