if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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