Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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