My liver just broke up with me...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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