Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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