yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
