I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
