I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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