I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
