I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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