Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
