I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
