make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
