Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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