I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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