i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
