By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You left your phone here
Wait...
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