I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
this boner is exhausting
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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