Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
