Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
