I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
