YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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