god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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