He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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