the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
