You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
