maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
