I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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