My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
