how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
