I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!