How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.