I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
