Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
