im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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