He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
