Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
