Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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