I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Randomize
