god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
