I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
