Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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