there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
