So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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