I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
