My underwear smells like fireworks.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
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I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
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Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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