I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
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Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
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My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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