found the other keg... it's in the tree
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
