sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
