Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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