it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
