T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
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Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
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I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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