Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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