i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i love accidental penises.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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